Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Randomize
