when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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