saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
