I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
