I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Randomize
