I think I just saw someone hide a body.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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