I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
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Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
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Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
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