I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
