the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
