I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
