I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?