Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
