A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I wish I only lived at night.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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