im having a threesome with these popsicles
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
