Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
