Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
