were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
