i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
