turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
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