Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
