i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
