Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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