Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Randomize
