I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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