were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
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Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
BRING THE BAGELS
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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