My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
