please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Slut skills are useful in every country.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Randomize
