Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
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