If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
