did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
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