Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
