I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Sext me about skeletons
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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