woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
no, he came in my armpit
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Randomize
