It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I cut my penus on the lid.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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