Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
