I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize
