don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
