it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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