Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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