you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
