first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
