Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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