Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
