on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
