So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
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