i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Randomize
