My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
The struggles of a small town man whore
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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