I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
