Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
We had to coat check the pizza.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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