my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
zippers are such a cool invention
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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