dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Does leaving at 3 give Sara enough time to take the bus or are you picking her up?
I cant tell if your joking or not, but I'm picking her up
Do you need some kind of permission slip from her parents or can anyone just go and grab a high schooler these days?
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
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My ATM looks so different sober.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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