I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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