Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
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