Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Randomize
