on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
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When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
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I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
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