Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
