I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I party with great urgency now.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
