I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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