dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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